I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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