apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
