the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
