went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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