what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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