the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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