He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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