I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
