just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
We got so high we made milksteak
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
