So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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