turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
