Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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