Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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