i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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