My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
