we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
