I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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