porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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