You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
