Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
