Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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