I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
