i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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