i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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