his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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