i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
