I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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