how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
