Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
