I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
