For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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