In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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