Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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