i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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