I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
