I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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