My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
