Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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