At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
