Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
