I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
