can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
operation harelip BJ is a go
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
