genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Someone shattered a urinal.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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