Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
When did angry sex become our thing?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
