I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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