everyone is single if you try hard enough
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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