booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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