I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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