Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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