I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
