i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
