I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
